I got home from taking all three kids, by myself, to the mall in search of an orange tie for Chris. I HATE the mall when I have kids with me so this was a feat in and of itself that I even agreed to go get the stinking tie, but I did and two hours later we arrived back home with tie in hand. As I was getting dinner ready I saw the answering machine light blinking (we totally do it old school here b/c without the blinking light staring at me I would never check messages) and listened as my sister yelled at me for not being at home, on the couch, watching Oprah.
Um. Hello? Watching Oprah at the appropriate time? Not so much.
But once the kids were asleep I flipped on the trusty DVR and while cleaning up the kitchen I watched.
Oh how I love Oprah. Always have. Always will.
Did you catch it? Basically her and a room full of moms let it all hang out. OUT. Dirty laundry OUT. About everything having to do with being a mother.
I found myself standing at the sink, water running, laughing and crying and listening and understanding.
So in case you missed it and in case you feel alone out there in Mommyland I thought I would hang it all out there for you and make you feel better about yourself tonight!
Are you ready?
Here we go.
1. I can't remember the last time I brushed the girl's teeth.
2. The irrational side of me (is there another side anymore?) resents the fact that Chris "gets" to leave for work every morning and I'm left to "deal" with our kids. I'm just a bit mad everyday when he walks out the door.
3. I buy candy and cookies b/c I convince myself at the store that the girls will love a little treat. But then they don't eat it b/c "I no IKE DAT" and I end up eating the entire box. Case in point, last night I bought gooey butter cookies (this might be a St. Louis thing) and when I offered one to them tonight they refused. I've had 4 today.
4. When I see you in person and smile and laugh and chat with you, no matter who you are, I am secretly and desperately ashamed of how I look and am hoping you're not thinking the same thing about me. I look and feel like crap almost every day and am sometimes embarrassed to leave the house. But you would never know it by talking to me.
5. My best friend's birthday was last week and I totally missed it b/c my own life overwhelms me. It is amazing to me how much my life consumes me and makes it hard for me to remember other people. (I love you Jess and am STILL feeling awful)
6. I constantly clip and organize coupons. They sit in a cute little basket in our kitchen. I haven't taken them with me to a store in over a year. At least.
7. I have no idea what the dosage for infant Tylenol is anymore b/c I've convinced myself that each kid gets 2 droppers full. That means I am probably under-dosing Bailey and over-dosing Grayson. Maybe I'm right on the nose with Parker?
8. Sometimes when I have too many soda cups in my car I just throw them in the yard. I hope Chris picks them up for me and that no one randomly stops by that day.
9. When I find a sippy cup that I know is filled with old milk I am more likely to throw it away than clean it out b/c the smell+look of rotten milk gags me.
10. I thought I was so cool one day and let the girls pick out a movie from Red Box at the grocery store. A month later I remembered to take it back, you know, when I sent it with my mom who was going shopping for me, and she came home to tell me that we now own the movies. I'm too afraid to search our account to see how much we paid to own those movies.
11. I sit on mail that needs to be sent to clients and/or family+friends forever b/c I hate the post office. The thought of taking a. all my kids in there or b. my alone time up by going infuriates me so nothing gets mailed. If you are a client and want something timely, I hate to say this, but come pick it up. I'm sure I've lost clients b/c of this and as sorry as I am, I'm also not. I hate the post office.
12. I have this overwhelming fear of saying no to people who ask me for help. This gets me in worlds of trouble. Like the fact that I've already donated a free session to 11 charity auctions. That is almost 2 solid months of work that I make no money. It also means I commit to things and then let them drop when I just can't get them taken care of... this happens more than I'd like to admit.
13. My parents live two blocks away and we rarely buckle the kids into their carseats when driving there. Even though we know it could kill them if we were in an accident. It's a habit we can't seem to break.
14. I leave my kids in the car at least once a day while I run in somewhere. At my parents house or Bailey's school or somewhere. Again, I know how dangerous this is but I can't seem to stop.
15. Have I mentioned how much I hate buckling and unbuckling three car seats?
16. I pretend that it bothers me that we eat pizza so much we're now friends with the delivery guys. But it really doesn't. I like pizza and I hate to cook and they bring me fountain mnt dew.
17. Once I was in Target and my boobs started leaking. I didn't have breast pads in so I immediately spilled my soda down the front of me and blamed it on the kids when someone looked at me questioningly.
18. I am a breast milk over-producer (is there a support group?) and on numerous occasions have had to express milk, by hand, in bathrooms. Restaurants, stores, people's homes. I get engorged so fast and it's so painful it doesn't matter where I am, I just express to make myself feel better.
19. After the last two pregnancies, I have, on occasion, thought to wear a maxi pad when going out with friends b/c I know that if I laugh too hard I might pee a little.
20. You know that water bottle the hospital gives you to rinse your area after going to the bathroom right after you deliver? Mine always ends up in the bathtub as a toy.
21. We also used to have urine specimen cups as bath toys after the girls became attached to them at my OB's office during a visit when I let them play with them.
22. I like my kids but sometimes they totally annoy me. Playdates can be really hard for me b/c if my own kids annoy me, other people's kids make me want to rip my eyes out. Not all the time, but sometimes. Sometimes I just hate all kids and want to kidnap the mom I'm with and leave them all to fend for themselves.
23. If I have fussy kids but am desperate for a shower I just dump Cheerios on the floor or crackers or something. It keeps them all entertained for 10 minutes, I get alone time and just vacuum later.
24. When I see skinny moms I instantly kind of hate them. I feel like they somehow have their shit together so much better than me and it makes me jealous and mad. I don't understand how they can have a clean house, well behaved kids, be a good wife, make dinner, do art projects, run a business AND eat good+exercise. Because you know, if you are thin then you are immediately perfect at everything. And I am a big fat failure.
25. I hate my post three babies body. Hate it. But don't have the energy to do anything about it and wonder if I ever will or if this is the beginning of the end.
26. I only buy organic food for the kids b/c I feel pressured by society to do so.
I hope not b/c I am spent! HA!
Dirty laundry = aired.
In the end, we are NOT alone. Every woman, or most women at least, for example, have squirted breast milk on their husbands during sex. No matter HOW embarrassing or awful or alone you are feeling there is another mom out there that's been there and GETS IT. At the end of the day I just pray that we all are a little less judgemental and a little more understanding and open. Let it OUT! It feels good to get it OUT there! And if by listing 26 horrible things about myself made even ONE of you feel better today then it was totally worth it!
If you are a blogger and feel like making the rest of us feel better airing your dirty laundry then leave a comment with a link to your blog! I'd love to read about all of YOU!